Mark Goodwin - Deceased 1950 - 2016
November 29, 1950 - January 16, 2016
Over the weekend on the news was a passing of Mike Nichols. Mr. Nichols was a well-known and highly respected director of such movies as The Graduate and Who Is Afraid of Virginia Woolf. Before becoming a director he was one half of the comedy team Mike Nichols and Elaine May.
It was a long before your time, but in the early 60s Mike Nichols and Elaine May preformed this skit on the Ed Sullivan Show several times. It was always a big hit and reflected their view of the funeral industry.
I thought you might enjoy reading it.
Nichols and May on Funerals
(Elaine May sits at a desk. Mike Nichols sits on a nearby chair.)
EM: Good afternoon.
MN: (weeping into a handkerchief) Good afternoon.
EM: Welcome to Longdust. Can I help you?
MN: Yes. I've read your ad. I'm interested in the $65 funeral.
EM: I see. Was that for yourself?
MN: (looks up, shakes his head) No.
EM: For another? (makes a note) May I ask -- where did you catch that ad?
MN: TV Guide.
EM: Just trying to find out where our trade comes from. Um, I am afraid that I'm going to have to ask you some questions.
MN: Yes, that's alright.
EM: Alright ... Uh, can you tell me what was the loved one's name?
MN: Seymour Maslo-Freen.
EM: Is that hyphenated?
MN: (pause) It was.
EM: And the loved one's address?
MN: 4411-18 Southeast Hugeonot Woolloon Drive.
EM: Uh, and may I ask what your name is?
MN: Charlie.
EM: Charlie ... (writes it down) ... Charlie, I'm Miss Lumis, your grief lady.
MN: Hi.
EM: Hi ... Is it Charlie Maslo-Freen.
MN: (nods his head) Yes.
EM: You're related ... Uh, well, that will be $65.
MN: Yes, thank you. I have the check all made out.
EM: Oh, wonderful.
(MN hands over the check and gets up to leave.)
EM: Uh, um, before you go, Mr. Maslo-Freen, I was just wondering ... would you be interested in some extras for the loved one?
MN: What kind of extras?
EM: Well, how about a casket?
MN: (pause) Isn't that included in the funeral?
EM: No.
MN: We have to have a casket.
EM: Yes, it looks better. (makes a note)
MN: How much?
EM: We have three prices: one thousand two hundred and forty-three dollars, seven hundred and sixty-eight dollars, and fourteen dollars and ninety-eight cents.
MN: Uh, may I ask, what do those prices represent?
EM: That's mahogany, oak, and knubby plywood.
MN: (pretends to be impressed) Knubby plywood? Uh ... tell me, uh, what kind of appearance does that make?
EM: Cheap.
MN: I'll take the oak.
EM: The oak, alright. (makes a note)
MN: Thank you very much.
EM: (remembers something) Oh! I am so sorry to intrude this way on your grief, ah, I just wondered ... can you tell me how had you planned on getting Mr. Maslo-Freen down here?
MN: (long pause, stunned) Cab?
EM: (looks down at her paper, makes a note) You're going to have to give the driver an enormous tip!
MN: (gives her a look) You don't happen to have a hearse, do you?
EM: Yes! Yes, we do ... For thirty-five dollars I can give you an exquisite Cadillac slumber wagon.
MN: (waves his hand) Alright, alright ... thirty-five dollars.
EM: (makes a note) Thirty-five dollars ... now how about someone to drive it?
MN: That's not included?
EM: No, it isn't.
MN: Alright, we have to have a driver; I can't drive it myself!
EM: (laughs) No. (writes it down) Um, alright.
MN: Is that all?
EM: Uh, just, this is the last and I am ... I am once again truly sorry, it is my job ... um, had you planned at all on burying Mr. Maslo-Freen?
MN: ("are you serious?" look) Madam, that was foremost in my mind!
EM: Um, I was -- do you happen to have a plot?
MN: No, but I'm sure you do!
EM: Yes, uh, we do. We have ...
MN (finishing with EM): three prices.
EM: Yes ... eight hundred and twenty-four dollars and forty-six cents ... four hundred and ninety-three dollars and fifty-eight cents ... and ten dollars.
MN: (pretending to think it over) I'm just curious ... what happens for ten dollars?
EM: (looks down, clearly uncomfortable) For, uh ... for ten dollars we ... we have two men who come and uh, take Mr. Maslo-Freen away and do God knows what with him.
MN: (sobs hysterically)
***END***
It was a long before your time, but in the early 60s Mike Nichols and Elaine May preformed this skit on the Ed Sullivan Show several times. It was always a big hit and reflected their view of the funeral industry.
I thought you might enjoy reading it.
Nichols and May on Funerals
(Elaine May sits at a desk. Mike Nichols sits on a nearby chair.)
EM: Good afternoon.
MN: (weeping into a handkerchief) Good afternoon.
EM: Welcome to Longdust. Can I help you?
MN: Yes. I've read your ad. I'm interested in the $65 funeral.
EM: I see. Was that for yourself?
MN: (looks up, shakes his head) No.
EM: For another? (makes a note) May I ask -- where did you catch that ad?
MN: TV Guide.
EM: Just trying to find out where our trade comes from. Um, I am afraid that I'm going to have to ask you some questions.
MN: Yes, that's alright.
EM: Alright ... Uh, can you tell me what was the loved one's name?
MN: Seymour Maslo-Freen.
EM: Is that hyphenated?
MN: (pause) It was.
EM: And the loved one's address?
MN: 4411-18 Southeast Hugeonot Woolloon Drive.
EM: Uh, and may I ask what your name is?
MN: Charlie.
EM: Charlie ... (writes it down) ... Charlie, I'm Miss Lumis, your grief lady.
MN: Hi.
EM: Hi ... Is it Charlie Maslo-Freen.
MN: (nods his head) Yes.
EM: You're related ... Uh, well, that will be $65.
MN: Yes, thank you. I have the check all made out.
EM: Oh, wonderful.
(MN hands over the check and gets up to leave.)
EM: Uh, um, before you go, Mr. Maslo-Freen, I was just wondering ... would you be interested in some extras for the loved one?
MN: What kind of extras?
EM: Well, how about a casket?
MN: (pause) Isn't that included in the funeral?
EM: No.
MN: We have to have a casket.
EM: Yes, it looks better. (makes a note)
MN: How much?
EM: We have three prices: one thousand two hundred and forty-three dollars, seven hundred and sixty-eight dollars, and fourteen dollars and ninety-eight cents.
MN: Uh, may I ask, what do those prices represent?
EM: That's mahogany, oak, and knubby plywood.
MN: (pretends to be impressed) Knubby plywood? Uh ... tell me, uh, what kind of appearance does that make?
EM: Cheap.
MN: I'll take the oak.
EM: The oak, alright. (makes a note)
MN: Thank you very much.
EM: (remembers something) Oh! I am so sorry to intrude this way on your grief, ah, I just wondered ... can you tell me how had you planned on getting Mr. Maslo-Freen down here?
MN: (long pause, stunned) Cab?
EM: (looks down at her paper, makes a note) You're going to have to give the driver an enormous tip!
MN: (gives her a look) You don't happen to have a hearse, do you?
EM: Yes! Yes, we do ... For thirty-five dollars I can give you an exquisite Cadillac slumber wagon.
MN: (waves his hand) Alright, alright ... thirty-five dollars.
EM: (makes a note) Thirty-five dollars ... now how about someone to drive it?
MN: That's not included?
EM: No, it isn't.
MN: Alright, we have to have a driver; I can't drive it myself!
EM: (laughs) No. (writes it down) Um, alright.
MN: Is that all?
EM: Uh, just, this is the last and I am ... I am once again truly sorry, it is my job ... um, had you planned at all on burying Mr. Maslo-Freen?
MN: ("are you serious?" look) Madam, that was foremost in my mind!
EM: Um, I was -- do you happen to have a plot?
MN: No, but I'm sure you do!
EM: Yes, uh, we do. We have ...
MN (finishing with EM): three prices.
EM: Yes ... eight hundred and twenty-four dollars and forty-six cents ... four hundred and ninety-three dollars and fifty-eight cents ... and ten dollars.
MN: (pretending to think it over) I'm just curious ... what happens for ten dollars?
EM: (looks down, clearly uncomfortable) For, uh ... for ten dollars we ... we have two men who come and uh, take Mr. Maslo-Freen away and do God knows what with him.
MN: (sobs hysterically)
***END***
